Nacho Casserole – Directions, a 2nd-person narrative

[see also the ingredients list]

Not Pictured: Steve Martin

Not Pictured: Steve Martin

First, give the giant sammich to Murry the hobo who was in front of the grocery store where you bought the ingredients.1 He won’t let you take his picture or tell you his name, but it’s probably Murry. Or Steve Martin. Enjoy the sammich, Murry or Steve Martin!2

spoils of murder

spoils of murder

Second, you get started preparing the meat3. You dump it in a big cast-iron pan and fry it up in “high” until it turns grey. It can’t be drowning in grease, though, or else you won’t get those crispy brown edges on the meat. At one point you dump out some of the grease beacuse of this. You make sure to run hot water down the sink first, or else the grease would congeal in the pipes.
Once the meat is cooked up, you add the spices. You didn’t list them yesterday in the ingredients. You’re sorry. You cover the surface of the

everything nice

everything nice

meat with chili powder, then a lighter sprinkling of garlic and onion powders, cumin, spicy paprika, and cayenne powder.

You DO NOT add the mushrooms to the meat yet.

meat soup

meat soup

Then you add water to the pan until the meat is just barely submerged, stir it in, put it at 375o, and wait about a half hour for it to thicken down. This bakes the spices into the meat, but you have to stir it a lot near the end to keep it from turning evil.

fresher than bel-air

fresher than bel-air

While it’s cooking, you get the veggies ready. Slice up the olives that you had at home already luckily since you forgot to buy them yesterday. Also the onions, tomatoes, and some lettuce.

You prepare the refried beans. This is your secret weapon, you sly dog. You stir in half the salsa and a

secret cancer

secret cancer

tablespoon or two of pure, carcinogenic mono-sodium glutamate.

img_0380img_0382With the beans and the veggies ready, you get the casserole dish out and put a layer of nachos on the bottom; just enough so that you can’t see the bottom of the dish. You crush them down there – you don’t want big full-sized chips; more like the bite-sized you’d get just before the crumbs.

img_0384img_0385On the layer of nachos you spread the cancer beans.

On the beans, you spread the prepared meat, when it’s ready. You do not add the mushrooms to the meat.

You throw the banana in the trash because bananas are gross.img_03691

img_0389And then into the oven until the cheese is melted. Once that’s done, you add the lettuce, tomatoes, olives, onions, sour cream, salsa, and no mushrooms.

Now, finally, throw the mushrooms away. Their dank, musty foulness belongs with the other trash. You hate them.img_0370

Then finally you eat it!  Mmm, no mushrooms!


1Yes, I really did this. I mean you do. This is 2nd person present tense. But really, I did this. You really wish he’ll let you take a photo, but he won’t. When you ask him, he tries to give the sammich back instead.

2Not the real Steve Martin.

3The original version of this recipe didn’t have meat at all. You added it when Dusty taught you how to cook meat. He’s great with meat. Mmmmm.

4By the way, if you invite me to a party, I’ll cook this for the party. It’s great party food. Invite me to parties! No, there’s no 4 up in the post proper. This is a stand-alone footnote.

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2 Responses to Nacho Casserole – Directions, a 2nd-person narrative

  1. Ben McGraw says:

    By putting the other 4 within footnote 4 itself, you’ve created a memory leak which will consume this essay and result ultimately in the destruction of your ability to write at all.

  2. I read your blog for a long time and must tell that your posts are always valuable to readers.

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